Inside Wants Out

Words are not easy to come by
Whenever I look into your eyes
Resilient and Undying
As a fortress meant to burn

Trying to hold unto within
What seems to be so real
In a world full of lies
That made me realize

Possibility for a dream come true
Lost in the vagueness of your eyes
You’ve made a fool of me
As I stood still where you left me


But for now I’ll be a clown
To entertain anyone who is down
Then I will consider myself brave
Even if your stepping on my grave

And so I’m older now
But what’s left of me?
Still this burden that keeps knockin’
You couldn’t recognize what’s within

From the inside wants out
This is what I’m about
One thing is for sure
I’ll never be the same again

Live Your Life

Music has played a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. When I was five years old I got my first set of album from my aunt. She gave it to me as a gift. It's a four set of albums which consist of children songs from "ABC songs" to "It's a Small World (after all)". I used to listen to it all day long and I remember all the lyrics by heart. That would be the first time I realized that music can be inspiring and expressive. I started writing my own songs and poems secretly when I was in sixth grade. I was very curious as to how each song can reflect my mood from the inside without telling it to others directly. I grew up listening to my parent's album of The Beatles, The Carpenters and Frank Sinatra.

During the past few months, I've been thinking a lot. Depression sucks! But listening to my ipod keeps me sane in the office. It's my "comfort zone" everytime I'm feeling depressed.

Do you have a song or artist that helped you cope up with your depression?

I've been trying not to think about me being depress all the time. I know I need to move on. My friends keeps telling me that I'm not the same person as I was before. And I never thought I would be in this situation but it feels like it's gonna last for a long time. I never gave myself to someone like that. It's just funny how she doesn't even recognize the ways she hurt me. I'm so sick and tired of her taking me for granted.

Recently, I stumbled upon my collections of albums. I greatly admired artist like Jack Johnson, India Arie, John Mayer and Shawn Colvin. However, I just can't stop listening to T.I.'s new album "Papertrail" right now. At one point I forgot how depress I am. I love his new song featuring Justin Timberlake called "Dead and Gone" and "Live Your Life" with Rihanna. It's funny how music can change your mood. It's almost like a boost of confidence and energy to your body.

At the end of the day, I don't have any regrets to the choices I made. I learned a lot from this experience. I'm just gonna live my life instead of chasing for that girl! And I ain't got no time for them haters!

I have so much life left to live.

One of These Days

A famous person once said that "One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter." And I believe that there are a lot of reasons why someone can't just say the things in his heart. There's a voice in my head that keeps telling me not to complicate the things that are already complicated.

I'm only human. And it's killing me everytime I see them. I'm trying to focus on my job as if nothing is wrong but most of my friends are finally noticing something is off. It's as if I'm wearing this mask trying to keep it together.

If you love someone, would you fight for it no matter what the consequence are even if you knew that your gonna hurt your close friend in the process or would you just let the pain remain and continue the friendship that you have in the first place and hoping that someday there will be a chance you can be together?

I guess I'm scared of the consequences that this action might bring. But one of the reasons why I want to let it out is for me to avoid any "what if's" in the future. My heart is telling me to go on and say it but my mind is telling me not to and just keep it to myself. I wish I could get her alone and just say the things I wanted to say. She is always with someone and I just couldn't get the chance to speak to her.

I never had a problem speaking to what's in my mind but when it comes to speaking what's in the heart....then that's another issue. Right now, I'm trying to be the best guy for her. Hoping that someday she will notice it. Maybe one of these days.....

It's in Our Hands

It's a new year! After all the endless christmas parties and reunions, its now time to go back to our usual routine. It sucks. I know. But its a new year and it's already 2009. Even if it still feels the same, its nice to set a goal for yourself this year of the ox. I know it sounds cliche putting up New Year's resolution but, hey, at least it's something that can be productive. People are talking about how New Year's resolutions are bound to be harmful to our mental health and, thus, be destroyed. I think it's still up to us whether we should stick to our goals or not whether its a new year or not. It's just a matter of choice. Right?

Anyway, my New Year's resolution is that I'm gonna take some time to take care of my body by going to the gym. For a twentysomething guy wanting to go to the gym is pretty predictable. But I already signed up early this year with my friends back in college. I think its much better if you have your friends around you than going to the gym alone. Don't you think?

When everything is said and done, all you have to do is just accept the truth and move on. Starting all over again from scratch is hardwork and sometimes it requires you to sacrifice a lot. But when the push comes to shove, sometimes the best thing to do is to learn the art of acceptance first to be able to move forward. This new year......I choose to live happier.

The Heart of the Matter

People fall in love. That's a fact. No matter how many times we fall in love in a lifetime, whether it's for the right reasons or not, it's still is magical. Magical in a sense that your world will stop whenever your together and you think of him/her with every heartbeat when you are apart. Love can be crazy at times. And it's so powerful that it could bring the best in us or the worst in us.

I may be the last person you'll think of to get an advice about love and relationship. But one thing I do know is that love hurts and that we as human beings should never ever be reckless with our people's heart.

I am not myself in the past few weeks. This is what bugs me. I just got to get this out of my system. I never thought that this could happen to me but it did. I know from the very beginning that this can't be good but instead I had to follow my heart. The heart that keeps telling me that there's such a thing as happy endings. Love can be simple if we are living in a perfect world. But what if you love someone so much and that someone loves somebody else? It doesn't take a genius to know that it's wrong to continue to love someone who is already with somebody else.

Even if your intentions are good, it is still a mistake to continue loving that person. But should we consider it as a mistake? A mistake to love someone so bad and it hurts so much to see her with someone else.

Sometimes its unbearable to watch them together. My heart was crushed into several pieces and the worst part is that I had to keep it to myself. I never thought that saying "I'm happy for you" is one of the hardest thing to say. A part of me is saying to give up and the other keeps telling to continue because you believe that there will come a day that she might change her mind. It made me even crazier when I found out that their engaged.

This is the part about love that I just don't understand. Should we just stop loving someone just because she found somebody else or should we hope and continue that maybe (just maybe) there's a chance that we can be together? When someone hurts us, we tend to hurt them back. But not me. I can never hurt her nor be mad at her for what she did. Maybe I'm stupid or foolish but that's love for me.

I've learned that love should always follow forgiveness. I planned to say to her everything that I wanted to say but I just can't find the perfect time to do it. It's not that I'm scared of the consequences it may bring but I can never accept the fact that I am the cause of their break up. I'm just hoping that someday i'll be lucky enough to find the courage to face her.

People say that we should be with someone who knows what they have when they have you. Maybe someday I will.

Moment of Surrender

The sun is up, the water is inviting and Jack Johnson's song is playing loudly in my head. There's nothing I could ask for more! The only thing upsetting is that it's already monday and I don't want to go to work! Hehehe. I do love my job but if your surrounded with beautiful sandy beaches with tropical breeze soothing your aching body, you just gotta give in. 

But I realized something. As we grow up, we are bound with responsibilities to our family and yourself. It will come a day that we are old enough to know what's right or wrong. People expect more from us. We grow up and become serious. No matter how old we are, we still encounter the same problem we have when we were seventeen. 

Have you ever had a friend who always jokes around and keeps you laughing but sometimes you don't know whether he or she is serious or not? He/ she jokes around too much that sometimes you don't know when to take him or her seriously. Seriously? I've known this guy since college and his got this way of stating the obvious in a weird funny way. Well, almost everything that comes in his mouth is weird. It's funny at first but as years go by it's really annoying. It's kinda hard to take him seriously. I tried talking to him but he is still the same. Is it worth risking the eight years of friendship for this? I'm trying to understand him but it came to a point that it's hard to trust him anymore.  

I still have to go to work later. No regrets.

Grey's Anatomy Character

Just for fun.

Nightminds

I finally got the time to write here. I thinks it's been a month since the last time I posted a blog. Though I'm still adjusting to my new schedule which starts at 8pm to 5am. Coffee is now my new best friend! My shift just ended a while ago so I'm a bit tired from working as a phone banker that is based in the US. I'm still trying to get the hang of it though. But don't get me wrong, I love my job! There are so many people who are unemployed right now and I am just thankful that I got a decent job that can support my wants and needs.

Anyway, since I haven't blog for several weeks, here's a few thoughts that is running in my mind lately. 

The Grammy nominations were already announced and I'm disappointed that Bjork and Jack Johnson didn't make in the list. Bjork's "Volta" and Jack Johnson's "Sleep Through the Static" should be given a credit. I love their albums and I admire their songwriting skills. But kudos to Kathy Griffin for making her album "For Your Consideration" in the Best Comedy album category. 

I'm loving the cool climate here. It's starting to feel the spirit of Christmas! I wonder what's gonna be our meal for Noche Buena? Christmas is in the air!

Kudos to Manny Pacquiao for winning the dream match against Oscar Dela Hoya last December 06, 2008. Good Job! 

Last weekend I got the chance to watch a movie starring Keanu Reeves and Jennifer Connelly in the sci-fi remake of the 1951 classic film called "The Day the Earth stood still". I was pretty disappointed when I watched this movie not because its got something to do with Scientology but it felt like there's something missing in the story. And it's kinda hard to imagine Keanu as an alien who wore a suit trying to save our planet. I was also expecting more explosion and destruction in which the film failed to deliver. At the end of the movie, It felt like I was robbed or tricked. I was hoping for a refund. Damn!

Lastly, I have this last song syndrome in my mind. It's from the Grammy nominated artist Adele called "Chasing Pavements". This would probably be one of my favorite songs to date. You can check her out here! It's funny how people are willing to give everything for that special person to love them back even if it leads nowhere.

Another Brick in the Wall

Teachers, mentors and instructors are considered to be the unsung heroes in our present time. They are the ones who mold and nurture the young minds of the future. They provided challenges and create ways to help us get a better understanding in the things we need to know. I still remember my teacher who pushed me to go further not only academically but also in being adept in the real world.

 

But not all teachers are the same. Some loves to terrorize their students with a pop quiz or humiliate them in front of the class. I guess there's something about being superior to the inferior that creates this fondness of terror. Whenever they mention your name in class, there's a severe chill at your spine and suddenly your mouth becomes dry. Either way, we all have our share of this kind of teachers or professors, that loves to be superior above all else. 

I can vividly remember during high school days, I had this professor who taught me subject-verb agreement. I must say that I'm a pretty average student who tries to do extra curricular activities as possible. At one time, whenever I raised my hand (for some reason) she always thought that I needed to go to the bathroom. It's not that I don't participate that much in class but at one point I think she doesn't want me to be in her class at all. She keeps on giving side comments whenever I participate in the class discussion. It kinda hindered me to talk in class since then. I don't have any idea why she thinks that way. It's just frustrating when your professor thinks your dumb. The good thing is that if I messed up my grammar here, especially my subject-verb agreement, I know who to blame. Hehehe. (Just joking!) 

Underdog

We love to think that we are gonna be great at one point in our life. It's not bad to think that way but the disappointment is as well high whenever we did not meet our expectations. It's funny at  times, we feel more safe in the things that are expected. It's what keeps us alive. But the things that we did not expect are sometimes the one that gives the path to start and these are the things that really change our lives significantly. 

I got a new job but somehow I'm not happy enough. Well, I actually considers myself happy but not jumping-up-and-down happy. It's our second week and I can't wait for the weekend to come. All the excitement that I had before suddenly disappeared. Not that I'm complaining but during the past few days have been quite nerve wracking. There's just so many things that makes me wonder and I feel like I'm gonna explode. It's hard for me to adjust and it sucks! I didn't expect that this could be so hard.

I don't know everything but some of the best things in my life are unplanned. From scratch I decided to start all over again. Though I'm still hoping that this fresh start will be better. It's never easy to be an underdog.  I guess in the meantime, I just have to enjoy my training days and put a smile like I mean it.